A Journal of Random Thoughts

I feel the need to write although I am not sure to what end. I can't seem to find a blog layout that I love yet (Trying this blog layout for now), so I thought a journal would be a good collecting place for my thoughts for now....

2008

February 8 - Tragic Turn
From: Joe Lavin [mailto:calicodog@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 12:18 AM
To: Craig, David, Dennis, Eric, Greg, Jay, Jon, Kevin, Kevin, Shane, Tim, Bob, Ron, Phil, Jon, Matt, Joe, Matthew, Dave, Brett
Subject: The Life and Times of a Confused Christian :-)

Hi guys,

It seems that things have taken a tragic turn for the worse in my dealings with the government and I want to share the details with you in this e-mail. However, I am really not wanting to have many conversations about it all right now because I am incredibly overwhelmed and talking about it just seems to overwhelm even more. In addition, I appreciate all of you guys so much, and I know that you are going to want to come alongside me here, but I also feel like I need to seek for comfort and strength in God right now and not as much in other people…so I just need some time to be alone with God and get a sense of how all sufficient he really is for me. I’m not totally sure about this, but I do have a strong sense that I need to meditate on God’s Word, my sin and what God wants to accomplish in me through all of this. So please give me a couple of days and I will emerge for my cave J!

Also, I’m not sharing all of this with Wendy right now because I do not want to give her anything else to handle right now. So if you share any of this with your wives, etc. please make sure they understand that Wendy does not have all of this information yet. She is going home to Pennsylvania from the 14^th to the 20^th and I will talk to her about this when she gets back.

Today the person that is preparing my pre-sentencing report for the judge came to my house along with a federal probation officer (both wearing bulletproof vests Hmmmm.....) and informed me that I had been classified as a maximum level 39 offender, instead of a maximum level 33 offender that I believed I had ultimately plead to. The main difference being that the sentencing guidelines for a level 33 offender are between 8 and 10 years,  with the understanding that I will be working backwards from ½ of the low range. Whereas the sentencing guidelines for a level 39 offender start at 20 years, so I would effectively be looking at a recommended reduced sentence of 7 to 10 years. I was also told that if I get that long of a sentence I would not qualify for a low-level security camp ( which I was promised) and I would also most likely not be allowed to self-surrender myself to the correctional institution (which again I was promised) and that I should come to court on the 21^st of March ready to be taken into custody immediately.

So my path here is that I originally believe that I was looking at a range of 6 months to 12 months when I agreed to cooperate with the government, that turned into me having to accept that I was more likely looking at 12 to 24 months when I ultimately signed my plea agreement. As most of you know, turning back at that time seemed highly self-destructive. However, now it appears that the government had something completely different in mind from the beginning; if I had ever believed that they would be looking for such a long period of incarceration, I can’t imagine making any other choice but to refuse to enter a plea and fight whatever charges the government ultimately brought.

So here I am, completely overwhelmed. I’m pretty confused about how to respond to and handle the situation. The realization that anxiety is a sin (or in softer terms, at least does not glorify God) and that God is in control of the situation is crystal clear to me. What is not as clear is what that means in my life right now; how my will and my desires are going to line up with God’s. I want to bring glory to God through all of this, but I’m not sure that my responses to all of this will ultimately do that. Especially my internal responses. It is easy to think and say the right things when I’m in community with people who love me and love God, and might even be easier with people who don’t know or understand God yet. But I have to honestly admit that it is getting more and more difficult to think and want to do the right things during the low times, when I’m alone with my thoughts and God. Panic, fear, denial, anger, sorrow, guilt, etc. are strange bedfellows for the steadfast man of God that I want to be; and probably arrogantly felt that I was not too long ago.

I’m not looking for easy answers here and I really want to initially refrain from getting a lot of sympathy and/or comfort from the people that I know love me and want to give me just that.  I need to be alone in my skin, or better yet my spirit, for while to see what God might have for me here. So please do me a favor, and keep it light for a couple of days. If we talk, try and be as superficial as possible J so I can focus all of my emotions and my energy and my needs on God; so I can see what that’s like for once.

I appreciate, love and respect each of you that I’m sending this e-mail to.

Thank you for being in my life,

Joe

March 20 - Disconnected
One of the things that overwhelms me the most today is my seemingly complete disconnection with Jesus. I am suffering a little on this day before Good Friday, whereas Jesus suffered immensely. I am primarily concerned with myself and my family, whereas Jesus was concerned with others. I am growing increasingly angry with my persecutors, whereas Jesus was showing how much he truly loved his. I am responsible for bringing much of this on myself, whereas Jesus was truly innocent.  I am desperately trying to find a way to defend myself at my hearing, whereas Jesus sought only to glorify God.

March 21
Hello Friends, Family and Loved Ones,  

I am glad that I wrote that letter yesterday because today did not end very well at all (huge understatement) and I would have had a hard time writing it now….but I would still write the same things.  I received a sentence of 54 months from the judge today, I believe it was extremely unfair and I think it was pretty well decided before the hearing started. My lawyer is dumbfounded and I think the rest of us are in shock….

I have been given July 1^st as a surrender date and should actually have to only serve about 46 months with good time and/or equivalents. That is assuming nothing changes and I am unable to appeal or anything like that. I am sorry for the abrupt delivery, but the news is so devastating that there is no other way to share it without just throwing it out here.  I honestly have no idea what my options are right now so I am just going to do my best to decompress and enjoy my family this weekend.

Thank you to all of the wonderful people who packed out the court room and made the terrible news a little easier to handle. Thank you for all of the people who wrote more support letters then the judge had ever received in any other sentencing. The judge said that I was truly a wealthy man because of the wonderful friends and family that I had, on that ruling I absolutely concur!

March 22
It is the morning after my sentencing and I am awash with conflicting emotions over what has happened and what is coming next.  Even more so, I am filled with anxieties over what to do next. Should I appeal, fight back, expose the truth* or rest in the lies and trust God to work them out for my good. As quickly as I settle on a course of action I find a reason to abandon it, and so on, and so on.....

In the midst of these vagaries a wonderful friend of mine, Robert Park, forwarded me a devotional that gave me a lot to think about.

God's Timing

"And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush…saying…I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt" (Acts 7:30, 32, 34).

That was a long wait in preparation for a great mission. When God delays, He is not inactive. He is getting ready His instruments, He is ripening our powers; and at the appointed moment we shall arise equal to our task. Even Jesus of Nazareth was thirty years in privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work.

God is never in a hurry but spends years with those He expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.

The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long, monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God, is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair. Joseph's was a long trial, and God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver," but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal.

We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, "All things have worked together for good." Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a "need-be" for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal. God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessings; and if we have the qualities that fit us for a throne, nothing can keep us from it when God's time has come.

Don't steal tomorrow out of God's hands. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait.

Is there specific purpose in this path for me? Is God pursuing me, loving me, leading me on the journey that could answer the mysteries in my heart? Is he pursuing my wife, my children, my mother or someone else who is or may get caught up in this flood?

Is this in fact an answer to prayer or am I so fatigued that I am searching for reasons to just give up? I honestly do not know right now…and I feel that if I could just know, for sure, the path was designed for my good, for God’s glory that it would be so much easier to take. Which leads me to believe that I am not going to know for sure, until I actually take the path….or refuse to take it once again.

*Of course I mean the truths that serve me, not all of the truths, I remain thankful for many of the truths throughout my life that remain concealed and covered by God’s grace.

March 23 - The Morning After the Morning After
Well, I guess we can all see where this is going... :-)

So I think I will just add the music video below and the lyrics to it as well. The song is Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns. It is beautiful, true and especially comforting to me right now....

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away.
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining,

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”, And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm, And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side, And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone, How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills, Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, The Maker of Heaven and Earth

March 26 - A Walk With Dietrich
Dietrich Bonhoeffer is one of my heroes. If you have not read his biography or writings (or listened to Bonhoeffer: The Cost of Freedom) you are truly missing out on one of the greatest examples of living out the Christian faith of the 20th century and some of the best practical theology you will ever read.
 

Prison Life - August 17th 1943
"Prison life seems to give one a certain detachment from the alarums and excitement of the day."

A Lesson on Dependency - September 13th 1943
"It's a queer feeling to be so utterly dependent on the help of others, but at least it teaches one to be grateful, a lesson I hope I shall never forget. In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements compared with what we owe to the help of others."

Old Testament & Liberty - November 20th 1943
"Why is it that the Old Testament never punishes a man by depriving him of his liberty."

Great Battles & Skirmishes - December 15th 1943
"Great battles are easier to fight than daily skirmishes."

The Unexpected - December 17th 1943
"It is the unexpected that happens"

Voyages of Literary Discovery - December 17th 1943
"A spiritual heritage reaching back for centuries is a wonderful support and comfort in face of all temporary stresses and strains. I believe that the man who is aware of such reserves of power need not be ashamed of the tender feelings evoked by the memory of a rich and noble past, for such feelings belong in my opinion to the better and nobler part of mankind."

The Will of God - December 18th 1943
"Of course, not everything that happens is the will of God, yet in the last resort nothing happens without his will (Matt. 10:29)" 

Duty to the Past - February 1st 1944
"Goodness, beauty, and truth, however, and all great accomplishments need time, permanence, and memory, less they deteriorate. The man who has no urge to do his duty to the past and to shape the future is a man without a memory, and there seems to me no way of getting hold of such a person and bringing him to his senses. Every word, even if it impresses him for a moment, goes through one ear and out of the other. What is to be done with him? It is a tremendous pastoral problem."

Simplicity & Simpleness - February 12th 1944
'Simplicity is an ethical category. Simplicity is a quality which can be acquired, simpleness is innate. Simplicty may be acquired by education and may be cultivated, and indeed it is one of the essential objects of education and culture. Simpleness is a gift. the two things are related, it seems to me, much as purity and moderation. One can only be pure in relation to one's origin or goal, i.e., in relation to baptism or forgiveness in the Eucharist. like simpleness, it is a category which denotes integrity. Once we have lost that purity and we all have lost it--it can only be granted again in faith. But in ourselves, as living and growing persons, we can no longer be pure, but only moderate and that is a proper and necessary object of education and culture."

Living with Adversity - March 19th 1944
"I think we should live even in this place as though we had no desires and no future to hope for, and just be our true selves. It is remarkable what an influence one acquires in this way over other men. . . . We can have a full life even when we haven't got everything we want--that is what I am really trying to say."

Inner & Outer - July 8th 1944
"The Bible does not recognize our distinction of outer inner and 'inner." "The discovery of inwardness, so called, derives from the renaissance, from Petrarch perhaps." "The 'heart' in the biblical sense is not the inward life, but the whole man in relation to God" 

Metanoia - July 18th 1944
"It is not some religious act which makes a Christian what he is, but participation in the suffering of God in the life of the world.

I can ( hopefully) see how this path to give me the opportunity to go much, much deeper with God and with myself and find out if this person does exist inside of me; if these desires are genuine or if they are just romanticized longings.

April 15 - Overwhelmed
Well, it has obviously been awhile since I've written something here. Along with just being been pretty overwhelmed with all of the practical and personal preparations needed for going to prison for four years I am trying to work through the myriad emotions that surround the entire situation. The most crippling thing for me has been an acute state of depression that seems to come and go throughout the days. My energy level has been pretty low and it has been difficult to get even the most basic of tasks done well. I will leave the discussion of my new found inclination to give in to anxiety for another day... :-)

That all being said, there are also good moments and even good days that I have been blessed with recently. Lots of support from friends and spending time with my family has been very comforting. It is interesting how intensely precious the most common of interactions become when you realize that you will be losing them for quite some time. It begs the question as to which is a healthier state of mind (or set of conditions) one that makes you comfortable but somewhat aloof of the treasures around you or one that is extremely painful but makes you extremely aware of the relationships, people and things that you are truly blessed with.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about these types of things in the last several months especially, and I am excited to think that one of the blessings that will come from my time in prison will be a truly changed and enlightened belief about many of them. I am actually already starting to change my thinking on some things and forging some new opinions about what my family and I are experiencing...but I am hesitant to commit them to writing as of yet. I need more time to work them out. So until next time.....    

April 29 - Encouragement From a Friend
I received an email from a friend of mine today that had some great encouragement from RBC's My Utmost for His Highest devotional. I thought it was more than worth sharing....

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3).

The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

So hopefully I can start one that I can use and that will eventually become a catalyst for a conversation that should be taking place in every nook and cranny of the penal system. I am initially trying to think of things (from silly to stupendous) that I can do or prepare before reporting and those I can do while I am serving my time.  I imagine that this will expand into what I can do to be the best parent I can after I am released from prison as well as to how I can love my wife before, during and after as well.

If you’re reading this and have any ideas that you would like to share, please send them to me at calicodog@gmail.com or you can call me at 425.485.1048 so that I can add them to my list.

Here is what I have come up with so far...PDF Document

I received a letter today telling me that I had been officially designated to the higher security prison in Sheridan, Oregon for my confinement instead of the Low Security Camp across the street. This is not only something else that is much different from what was "promised" to me, it was probably the biggest thing that was emphasized when I was being "convinced" by the government to agree to enter a plea agreement. I was told that if I went to trial they would come after me with a vengeance and once I lost (a foregone conclusion in their mind) that I would spend much, much more time in prison, but that did not matter as much as the fact that I would spend it in an actual prison instead of a Low Security Camp. I was told that a year in a camp is far better then a week in a Federal Correction Institution, especially for a "guy like me".

How far does somebody "like me" have to actually go before I know what it means to have Jesus and nothing more, and know that that is enough?
 

What this means, I am not actually sure. In the end, I am spending the same amount of time away from my family and friends, which is by far the most painful part of my sentence. As long as I am as close to them as possible and I have similar opportunities to talk to them on the phone (300 minutes/month) or have them visit me (approx 6 visits/month) I will choose to feel blessed and look for ways to improve myself and help others while I am there. Which is easy to say and think out here, so my prayers are that I can maintain these desires on my worst day inside whatever prison I end up at.

Now here is the irony; one of the biggest things going on in that small town for the last several years has been the Wildflower Resort and Golf Courses; the real estate development project that has become the bane of my existence and the center of my legal troubles. The Federal BOP Designation and Sentence Computation Center is just about 10 miles from the development site. The development is constantly in the paper there, and unfortunately I have even made the paper there personally.

I believe there are over 10,000 cities & towns in America and over 3.5 million square miles, so figure the odds on these two places being less than 15 miles apart! :-)